Dear Mr Sullivan,

I have never written to you before however I have written to your customer services dept before, latest letter attached.

To call your customer services a service at all is itself a joke due to the lack of service available.

Over the last two months I have had to make numerous calls regarding the failure by your company to provide the services that we agreed to in our contract. My part of this contract states that I shall pay your company for these services on time. I have always done this. However your company has failed to provide said services. You have provided sub-standard equipment i.e. Netgear router, this equipment is worth a knob of goat shit and half a broken biscuit if you are lucky. I have been supplied with two of these so far (cost to you of 2 knobs of goat shit and one full biscuit). Both Routers failed to provide the service I was paying for.

First router burned out and died, second one had an “unknown fault” according to the geeks or gimps you employ via tech support. Further router sent and wooohooo it’s amazing, it works best when I hang it out of the window, get on a prayer matt, speak to God directly and ask him this:

Dear God in heaven, please make the wee box light up, make it able to send and receive emails, make it happy.

God replied to me: I am only one God but you are dealing with the SKY God who is much more powerful than I am. Sky God is omnipotent. I cannot make his wee box light up. You must have displeased the SKY God. But since you have prayed nicely I will make one light work...

I replied thank you God and looked at router, only light on was the power light!

It says a lot when even God himself cannot influence Sky, so what crappity smacking chance do I have as a mortal?

Now that the broadband issue has (NOT) been addressed here I shall move swiftly on to your TV service.

Thank you for supplying me with another one of your services that fails to operate. I don’t actually watch TV ( I am too busy praying) however my good lady does not pray at all although she is considering SKY God as her Idol to worship. Every evening I get on my knees at her demand and worship the Sky Box under the telly. I ask it, please work, please accept the signal, please speak to dish thing. I then administer love and affection to it by gently caressing it and coo cooing it, remove the coax (lifeline) from the back of it, inspect it and gently, ever so gently re-insert it. I then say another prayer before turning the power back on.

It has been an absolute pleasure to be able to speak to so many people from so many cultures and I thank Sky for this. I never knew Lithuania were now part of the EU but your customer service rep said to me in broken English, “ I is from Lithuania, in de EU”, whilst I should not have giggled I am afraid I did as I thought you were employing ALI G doing a Borat. Next one I spoke to lived in Malaysia and I could not even pronounce his name (not even when I was drunk and I am quite eloquent when hammered) This guy had so many sssss and zzz in his name that my Mrs. thought I had taken a stroke when I tried to say his name. If I had wanted to speak to someone in Asia I would have called Miss Tontonjongjailamafrigginnssolzzaii directly on her landline (probably cheaper than your 0870 numbers).

To cut to the chase here; I cannot be arsed with calling your company any longer. You have not resolved any of the issues I have raised.

Your 0870 number is a joke; I spent 2 hrs and 22 minutes on it today at a cost of around 14 quid. I was calling to report more faults. I am so, so sad that now I actually time my calls to your company. I stated that I was extremely unhappy that I was being forced to call your company on a 0870 number as this was premium rate. I was informed that this was not a premium rate number. I asked your representative if they were aware of Oftel and Ofcomm regs which state that a customer must be informed of any call charges. She said she was fully aware. I said that’s fantastic so how much has my 223 minutes cost me today. SILENCE! She then said, it is not premium rate, I said, is it charged above BT standard rates, she replied yes. I said well it is a premium rate number then isn’t it if it is charged at a premium above BT rates. SILENCE! Lot’s of ermms etc let me tell you Mr. Sullivan, I am not with BT, and my provider offers me FREE local and national rates 24/7. Your 0870 numbers are a racket to generate revenue.

I would love for you to respond directly but you will probably pass this to some idiot on minimum wage in the UK or some thingy in outer who knows where to deal with.

Let me tell you this, your service stinks worse than a camels ring at 155 degrees in the Sahara. Your call charges could actually pay for the Sahara to be frozen over (camels ring says ahhhh relief).

I forgot to add, I made a call to virgin media this evening. What a breath of fresh air my call was answered in 4 rings. I spoke to a person and not a machine telling me how amazing their service was.

I was asked today by one of your reps, “are you the account holder” I replied no I am not; I am soon to be the non acct holder with Sky.

Regards,